Sesquipedalophobia
by celticfox
Summary: Artemis stared. His eyes bugged. He gasped for breath. “Ses... what?” he said, hoping against hope that he had not heard what he thought he heard. A word he didn't know the meaning of! The horrors! Such a thing had not occurred since first grade!


**This is probably a complete one-shot. I've been thinking about this for ages, because Artemis is WAY too arrogant and needs taking down a peg. Eoin Colfer owns Artemis and Juliet. I own Diane.**

Artemis buried his head in his hands. "Why, Juliet, why?" he murmured. "Why did you have to drag me to a HIGH SCHOOL DANCE?!"

Juliet was unperturbed by her young charge's outburst. "Because, Arty," she said calmly, "you have to learn to socialize. You only have one friend, she lives thousands of miles away, and whenever you two get together, all you talk about is science."

"My name's not Arty," the misunderstood prodigy muttered, covering his ears with his hands, trying to block the pounding beat of the music. The strobe lights were beginning to seriously irritate him.

"Juliet, these are _high school students," _Artemis said, as though explaining to a small child. "I sincerely doubt any of them have half my vocabulary."

Suddenly a girl appeared next to their seats. She was illuminated by a dramatic flash of light, so that Artemis could clearly see her perfect, Mary-Sue features. "My name is Diane," she said carelessly, "and I'm willing to take up that challenge, kiddo."

"Wh- what challenge?" asked Artemis, temporarily flummoxed by her beauty and charm (told you she was a Mary-Sue!).

"Well, duh, you said you doubted we had your vocabulary," she explained, examining her perfect fingernails. "I'm willing to give you a run for your money."

Artems scoffed. "I doubt it," he said. "I doubt there is a teenager in all of Ireland who could give me, as you so quaintly put it, 'a run for my money'." (At this point Juliet tactfully went off to get drinks, leaving Artemis to 'bond').

"Oh, puh-lease," sighed Diane. "Come on, your vocabulary is for little kids. It's like you have sesquipedalophobia or something."

Artemis stared. His eyes bugged. He gasped for breath. "Ses... what?" he said, hoping against hope that he had not heard what he thought he heard. A word he didn't know the meaning of! The horrors! Such a thing had not occurred since first grade!

She rolled her eyes. "Sesquipedalophobia... hatred or fear of big words. Dear me... I'd hoped you were better than _that."_

"I... I am!" he said. He leaned forward, eyes glinting. "I don't suppose you would know the meaning of _hystricine, _by any chance?"

"Of or pertaining to porcupines," she said sharply and quickly. She smiled, dangerously. "But while we're on the subject, how about _dacelonine_?"

"Umm... umm..." Artemis feverishly racked his brains, but nothing came. However, he could not face a smug smirk, and so he ventured, "... of or pertaining to armadillos?"

The smirk manifested itself. "Nice try, but no cigar. It's of or pertaining to kingfishers, you cretin. Armadillos is 'tolypeutine'."

This could not be happening. He, Artemis Fowl the Second, the brilliant child prodigy and criminal mastermind, was getting beaten at a game of words by a mere _girl._

"Acrophobia?" he asked.

She tsked. "Now you're getting into little-kid stuff. Fear of heights, of course. But can you define... afflatus?"

He searched his mind, and found naught but empty space. "I'll give you a hint... you probably have them often."

"An inspiration!" he gasped.

"Very good," said Diane, tolerantly.

Red anger surged in Artemis. He would teach this girl! He would teach her not to mess with him, not to try beating him at his own game! From the very depths of his knowledge he brought up his absolute trickiest word. He bared his teeth in victory, and hissed, "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!"

She flicked her long smooth hair back idly. "Easy," she said. "A lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine silica dust usually found in volcanoes. Anyways, that is not a true word. It is factitious word created as a hoax so as to make the supposed 'longest word in the English Language'."

Artemis slumped on his chair, utterly defeated, his huge ego trampled into the dirt. "Nooooo!" he cried.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!" Diana assured him. "You, Artemis Fowl, are SCHOOLED!"

Artemis sunk into despair. He would never live this down. He watched gloomily as Diane waltzed away, beautiful in victory (of course).

Juliet came back with two glasses of punch. She wondered where Diane had gone, and why Artemis looked so down.

"Sesquipedalophobia..." he muttered under his breath. "Sesquipedalophobia... sesquipedalophobia..."

**Please, please review so I can know if my feeble attempt at humor was any good!**


End file.
